72 WAYS TO MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN

1. You need to know the relationship with your children can never be more important than your marriage.

2. You need to know expertssuggest waiting a year or two before having kids so the two of you can grow in your relationship.

3. You need to know havingchildren is actually more life changing than getting married.

4. You need to know she’ll want to have a deep meaningful discussion about whether Brook is a boy’s name or a girl’s name.With about two minutes to go in a tight game.

5. You need to know a child won’t save your marriage. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on a three-month-old.

6. You need to know that even if hedresses the kids for school, packs the lunchboxes, and writes the thank-you notes, she will always feel like she’s the one being judged by the world.

7. You need to know fathers need to take parental leave as much as moms do.


8. You need to know children can put amarriage at risk. The pressure, the fears, the finances, the late nights— these aren’t romance enhancers.

9. You need to know it’s easyfor new moms to get so into being a mom they forget their husbands want to be part of the baby’s life too.

10. You need to know that, in spite of best-laid plans, the burden of childcare falls primarily on the parent who can breastfeed.

11. You need to know that shared parenting—where each partner has equal tasks—is a nice ideal.
But if he’s a firefighter pulling 72-hour shifts, she’s going to assume most of the childcare responsibilities.

12. You need to know gender shouldn’t determine who does daily childcare tasks. Who’s going to feed them, bathe them, and make sure they don’t stick a nail file into the electric sockets will depend on who’s home.

13. You need to know marital happinesstends to plummet for a new mom. Husbands bearing gifts, showing kindness, extending patience, and being home a lot help restore a new mom’s balance.

14. You need to know couples argueabout children—how much they cost, who’s going to take care of them, and what their ground rules will be.

15. You need to know the earlier youmake plans, the better. Decide who will earn the income, who will do the dishes, who will change the baby and when, who gets to sleep at night, who gets to wake up, etc. Making these decisions now can avoid a lot of 3:00 a.m. arguments.

16. You need to know the two of you don’t have all the answers. Hey, you may only have two or three answers. Each needs their own support network.

17. You need to know having childrenmeans deciding whether you can live on one income or if you’ll need two.

18. You need to know you get to rubyour wife’s back for nine months during pregnancy. Don’t think she’ll
remember this. No, it’s not fair.

19. You need to know yourchildren should be adored. But your spouse must come first.

20. You need to know that when she’spregnant, he should meet the doctors. Let her know she has a man who cares.

21. You need to know that if she takesmedication for postpartum disorder, it won't make her into a drug addict. It means she won't have crying spells, be moody, and become depressed. Husbands can help by being kind, patient, and available.

22. You need to know some lovingcouples simply can’t conceive a child. So, in a stupendous act of faith,
they adopt. And they learn this was the child God had intended for them all along. Oftentimes, the baby even looks like Mom or Dad! Go figure.

23. You need to know if two people areworking ten hours a day to make ends meet, a baby will not make life easier.

24. You need to know that, whenexpecting, he’ll want to spend weekends biking or golfing or hanging out
with friends. She’ll want to spend weekends shopping at baby stores.

25. You need to know that constantly attending to a baby can make the pressures, politics, and meetings
at the office look good.

26. You need to know a baby means you can no longer afford the lifestyle you used to have.

27. You need to know it takes two peopleto put a crib together. Block out the day.

28. You need to know a colicky threemonth-old baby will leave you too exhausted to talk, much less fool around.

29. You need to know sleep is oneof those things parents do without. For the first eighteen years or so.

30. You need to know parenthood is a lot about teamwork.

31. You need to know there will be dayswhen you’re so tired of little hands touching you that you don’t even want to touch each other. This is temporary.

32. You need to know a babysittermay be the most important person in your marriage.

33. You need to know that while it seemslike kids cost a fortune, it’s actually the first one who costs a fortune. The rest of them get hand-me-downs.

34. You need to know one wayto spend more time with your husband when you have children is to
spend less time on the housework.

35. You need to know your children’steachers can tell the difference between a child from a stable marriage and a child from a rocky one.

36. You need to know having a baby before marriage doesn’t strengthen relationships.

37. You need to know you’ll talk to each other in a whole new language with words like poop, cooooookie, susho shusho, dah, and nanna. You’re not regressing. You’re parents.

38. You need to know a fatherwill worry about his children's ability to make it in the world. Moms will
always worry about their happiness.

39. You need to know from the beginning who is going to raise your children. Him? Her? Daycare? The mother-in-law?

40. You need to know moms tend to spend everything on the kids while the dads tend to panic over of the price of diapers. Communication is vital here.

41. You need to know to never tell your kids you’re so mad you could divorce their father. It makes you sound like a lunatic. And it scares them to death.

42. You need to know to buy a lock for your bedroom. Marriage saver.

43. You need to know to make the hard decisions together. Then stand by them.

44. You need to know to totally agree about homework, chores, money, and show respect when you’re in front of your kids. Settle any differences behind closed doors.

45. You need to know that neither spouse should encourage a three-year-old to misbehave.

46. You need to know there’s no such thing as a romantic dinner when a two-year-old is involved.

47. You need to know that where you once discussed music and fashion and your jobs, you now discuss pooping. As well as the color of snot and how to get barf stains out of a shirt.

48. You need to know that one parent shouldn’t always be the bad guy. Both parents need to enforce the rules.

49. You need to know to never criticize each other in front of the kids.

50. You need to know a spouse who constantly undermines the other’s abilities as a parent isn’t doing the marriage any favors.

51. You need to know your children’s health—physical, emotional, and otherwise—depends on the health of your marriage.

52. You need to know God has made you responsible for teaching your kids about marriage and relationships.

53. You need to know your sexual relationship will sometimes depend on Saturday morning cartoons.

54. You need to know to always agree in front of your children. This gives a six-year-old no opening.

55. You need to know a mother will always wonder if her child has pooped today. This never crosses a man’s mind.

56. You need to know exhaustion is a byproduct of children.

57. You need to know children are better off when either Mom or Dad stays home. Sacrifices may be in order.

58. You need to know a stay-at-home momneeds a vacation as much as a dad who works twelve hours a day.

59. You need to know nothing preparesyou as a couple for the teenage years. Except maybe military duty.

60. You need to know it’s importantto get away. Just the two of you. Even to a Motel 6 down the street.

61. You need to know some of yourbiggest fights will be over how much money to give the kids. Dads
generally want to give them zero. Moms want to give them Montana.

62. You need to know you’ll befunding college about the time you’ll need to be funding retirement.

63. You need to know you don’t have toinvite your adult kids to join you every time you go out to dinner. Moms forget this.

64. You need to know your retirementaccount will shrink if you continue to support your twenty-something kids.

65. You need to know adult kids moving home can bring a couple closer. Or it can seem like your marriage has been invaded by expensive, oversize teenagers.

66. You need to know even an adult kid’sactions can put a strain on a marriage. This is why your marriage has to come first.

67. You need to know it takes two peopleto let go of a child just as much as it takes two people to raise one.

68. You need to know you can’t fixyour adult child’s marriage just because you’re . . . well . . . married.

69. You need to know that the best wayto love your kids is to love each other.

70. You need to know that, whenthe kids leave home, you'll have plenty to talk about. Like what just
happened the last twenty years.

71. You need to know the “empty nestsyndrome” lasts about ten minutes. Really.

72. You need to knowthey might come back.