92 THINGS ABOUT DEALING WITH MAN

1. You need to know that a woman thinks about her wedding all her life. He hasn’t thought about it two minutes. He doesn’t know what kind of flowers he wants. He doesn’t care what the color theme should be.

2. You need to know men and women think about housework differently. For one thing, women think about it.

3. You need to know that if you want your husband to do something when you want him to do it, the
way you want him to do it, chances are excellent he won’t do anything.

4. You need to know he doesn’t want to talk about the marriage. He wants to watch football.

5. You need to know that when he says,“Nothing’s wrong,” nothing is wrong. Certainly nothing’s wrong enough to interrupt football.

6. You need to know if you ask him what he’s thinking about, it’s either sex, food, or football. That’s why he doesn’t want to tell you.

7. You need to know it’s hard fora man to tell you what he’s worried about. So start with something simple.
Like, is he worried the team won’t make the playoffs? Then work up.

8. You need to know men keep things.Like train sets. And baseball cards. And high school papers. This tendency may require you to find a bigger house.

9. You need to know you might spend a fortune on coloring and styling your hair, a manicure and
pedicure, a facial and new make-up, and he still won't notice anything different.

10. You need to know it doesn’t matter if you have a six-figure income. Your husband will always feel like he’s supposed to be the primary breadwinner.


11. You need to know men listen differently from women.Women say “mm hmm” a lot when someone is talking to them.Men fiddle with the remote control.

12. You need to know that mentend to interrupt women. It’s not just him. It’s the entire breed.

13. You need to know he doesn’t haveESP. Another male shortcoming.

14. You need to know men don’t understand what “doing the laundry” means.Washing?Washing and drying?
Washing, drying, and folding? And ironing? He doesn’t know.

15. You need to know men areincapable of filling out forms.

16. You need to know a man feelsloved when his wife respects him.

17. You need to know that when he’s sick, he really wants you to stop everything and take care of him.
Seriously. His mother would.

18. You need to know to not always quiz your husband about his feelings. What he’s usually feeling is hungry.

19. You need to know men don’t like toshave. He’s not trying to make a fashion statement. He’s avoiding razor burn.

20. You need to know he expects you to know what’s wrong with the kids. You’ve read the books.

21. You need to know he thinks he’shelping when he’s telling you what to do.

22. You need to know he’s always worried about you and the kids having enough. That’s why it’s hard for him to enjoy what he has without wanting more.

23. You need to know it bothers him when he thinks he doesn’t have everything under control.

24. You need to know you won’t understand his addiction to Grand Theft Auto. Love him through this.

25. You need to know if you want him to smell a certain way, you’ll have to buy him cologne.

26. You need to know that he’ll seem to disappear emotionally exactly when you really need him to confront a problem. Men want to think about the situation. They don’t want to talk about it.

27. You need to know men take about twenty or thirty minutes to prepare themselves to talk about a touchy issue. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Make dinner.

28. You need to know a man doesn’tlike to cry in front of his wife.

29. You need to know he doesn’t want to think about shutters when it’s fourth down and the ball is on the two-yard line in the final seconds of a tight game.

30. You need to know he’ll drive you to thestore to get tampons. But don’t mention them, don’t talk about them, and never, ever ask him to go inside and buy them.

31. You need to know that on car trip she wants to leave at the crack of dawn and get there in a hurry.Women want to have brunch and enjoy the drive.

32. You need to know you’re going to have to show him what to do with an artichoke. And an eggplant.

33. You need to know he has no idea what he’s thinking or feeling. So don’t think you know.

34. You need to know that you carry thepurse in the family. That’s why he will stuff it with things he doesn’t want to carry.

35. You need to know that the sound coming from downstairs early in the morning is him showing the kids
how video games work.

36. You need to know that while he likes you with young-looking skin and makeup, he’ll never fathom the cost.

37. You need to know you’ll feed his friends stuff you wouldn’t put in your mouth.

38. You need to know men don’teat pimento cheese sandwiches. Don’t bother making them.

39. You need to know men aren’t genetically wired to appreciate criticism. Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, make a suggestion. Perfume helps too.

40. You need to know praise turns him on.

41. You need to know he likes to be hugged even though he’d never tell you.

42. You need to know he has a fascinationfor bodily noises. Don’t ask why.

43. You need to know nagging isn’t sexy or effective.

44. You need to know he doesn’t need a mother. Even if he leaves his underwear lying around.

45. You need to know he’s counting onyou to not finish your dinner. So he can. Assuming it’s not pimento cheese.

46. You need to know he really doesn’t know how to change a diaper. He never played with dolls.

47. You need to know men aren’t into“sharing the moment.” They’re worrying about paying the mortgage next month.

48. You need to know all men need tools.An electric drill. A chain saw. A 2000 piece tool set. He may never use them. But he needs to know they're in the garage.

49. You need to know he’ll neverfeel he’s making enough money.

50. You need to know if you make more money than he does, his ego may not recover. Men are weird that way.

51. You need to know eating off your plate uninvited is his way of saying he trusts you.

52. You need to know you could be married to him for fifty years and still not know he’s always hated Grey’s Anatomy.

53. You need to know he ranks golf right below food, clothing, and shelter. Arguing with him about this will just make him want to go to the driving range.

54. You need to know he will be furious if your cell phone is turned off or uncharged. Just a hint.

55. You need to know that unless he does the shopping—for food, diapers, and medicine—he’ll never
know how much things cost.

56. You need to know he views the bathroom the way you might view a library. It’s a place to get serious reading done.

57. You need to know the reason he hasn’t picked up his shoes is because he’s lost them.

58. You need to know he doesn’t think a pile of laundry is that important. Yelling at him will just make him think your hormones are acting up.

59. You need to know that most men can live with dirty clothes piled to the ceiling until he runs out of underwear. That's when he'll think about washing them.

60. You need to know men lose things. Cell phones.Wallets. Keys. Sometimes their cars. Criticizing won’t help.

61. You need to know most men aren’t good at communicating or expressing their feelings.

62. You need to know he sees the bedas a place for sleep and sex. You see it as a piece of furniture that requires accessories and constant attention.

63. You need to know he really and truly has no earthly idea what to do with Tupperware. And he doesn't understand the big deal about losing a lid.

64. You need to know if you come to him with a problem, he will tell you how to solve it, then get back to watching TV. He will think his work is done.

65. You need to know he’ll remember something you said about his hair two years ago, but he will forget you asked him to go to the store this morning.

66. You need to know he thinks your car is the mom car and the stuff in the backseat could be contagious.

67. You need to know your husband will understand the value of maids after both of you spend all Saturday cleaning, vacuuming, picking up, dusting, washing, ironing, and folding.

68. You need to know he will confuse your emotional need for affection with a desire to hop into bed. It's in his DNA.

69. You need to know he can let you hold the remote control for only about an hour. Once a month.Watch for hyperventilation.

70. You need to know if you come home after spending $200 at the hairdresser, your hair should look
like it. Subtlety doesn’t work on men.

71. You need to know that, by their nature, men don’t want to talk about their plans and dreams because things could go awry. Find other ways to get him talking.

72. You need to know he doesn’t love hisfriends more than he loves you. He just knows they don’t want any chores done, they don’t expect him to make a living, and they all want to watch the game.

73. You need to know that even if you have evidence that his best friend’s wife is a screaming, narcissistic, selfish fraud, you’re not to share this with your husband. Don’t mess with the male bonding.

74. You need to know he’ll want to store his bicycle in the living room because he thinks it too hot for it in the garage.

75. You need to know that men have a thing for T-shirts. They’ll keep thirty of them and wear about
three. There’s safety in numbers.

76. You need to know that if you’re taking a car trip, he will try to use his innate sense of direction instead of a map.

77. You need to know he’ll think he’s done something significant when he changes a light bulb or cleans the garage. Don’t miss this opportunity to praise him.

78. You need to know that, while he shares your enthusiasm for decorating, he thinks the money could better be spent on a big screen.

79. You need to know he likes letting you win. He doesn’t like you beating him.

80. You need to know men don’t like “process and share.” They want to solve your problem and then go back to the football game. And that’s what they do with their own problems, too.

81. You need to know the whole picnic thing mystifies him. He doesn’t like eating on blankets, he doesn’t like ants, and he doesn’t like getting hot now that air conditioning has been invented.

82. You need to know he would rather stick needles in his eye than go shopping.

83. You need to know that when he asks, “How was your day?” he wants a brief recap. Not a blow-by-blow, minute-by minute reliving of the last twelve hours.

84. You need to know that, genetically, he can live on barbecue alone.

85. You need to know that because you went with him to seedy country-and western bars fifteen years ago,
he thinks you still like them. Really.

86. You need to know he doesn’t likeantique hunting. He likes TV hunting.

87. You need to know he’d rather not go to the monster truck pull with you if all you’re going to do is whine and demand to leave in thirty minutes. Tell him to go with his friends.

88. You need to know men worry about money when they’re on vacation. It helps them relax.

89. You need to know that men think doing repairs and yard work on Saturday equals a woman doing the laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, and picking things up all week long.

91. You need to know that when he’s in the bathroom he doesn’t want to have a conversation with you
through the door. He will, however, happily talk to you on his cell.

92. You need to know men think soap, water, and maybe shampoo are all that’s needed to get clean. He simply won’t understand the importance of a loofah.