114 TIPS IN DEALING WOMEN

1. You need to remember these four words: “Your hair looks great.”

2. You need to know she wants to talk. A lot. Sometimes about the kids. Sometimes about a book she’s reading. Sometimes about work. Sometimes when all you want is quiet. Sometimes about stuff you’ve
already talked about—several times before.

3. You need to know you have assumed the responsibility of protecting her, caring for her, and providing for her in the physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and spiritual areas of her life.

4. You need to know your job isn’t more important than hers.

5. You need to know she needs you to be present mentally when you’re there physically.

6. You need to know there is a rule,written down somewhere, that says fathers must take their children for donuts on Saturday morning while mom sleeps in. Don’t bother trying to find it. Just follow it.

7. You need to know there will be days when her hormones will be in control of her mind. Love her anyway.

8. You need to know her definition of“shopping” doesn’t include buying clothes for the kids, cosmetics, groceries, pots and pans or buying appliances. Those are necessities. Actually “shopping” is hard to pin down.


9. You need to know women feel it their duty to buy presents for every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and wedding for everyone in their family. And their friends. And their kids' friends.

10. You need to know she still likes it when you open doors for her.

11. You need to know to say “yes” more than you say “no.” This is hard for men.

12. You need to know she’ll keep 92 products on the counter for her to look like she doesn’t wear makeup. Yes, they’re in the way. No, don’t touch them.

13. You need to know she really won't buy into the notion that men are the stronger sex until there's a noise in the house at 2 a.m.

14. You need to know that, for some reason, she’ll think the pair of shoes that make her feet hurt the worst look the best on her. There’s nothing you can say.

15. You need to know she doesn’t want to compete with a game console.

16. You need to know you can’t make her happy all the time, you can’t please her all the time, and you can’t understand her all the time. You can, however, love her all the time.

17. You need to know that if you leavethe toilet seat up only one time, that will be the night she staggers to the bathroom at 2:00 a.m. and plops down in the toilet. You won’t be able to run far enough.

18. You need to know women fantasize about divorce if they feel they do a majority of the housework.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a CEO. She wants you to help fold clothes.

19. You need to know she’ll put on lipstick before bedtime. She wants to look good going to sleep.

20. You need to know to hold her hand when she wouldn’t expect it. Like in a football stadium.

21. You need to know to not try to control her spending. She’s an adult.

22. You need to know a woman feels loved when she’s cared for.

23. You need to know that the sound of you going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth at the same time scares her.

24. You need to know she’ll feel jealous if she thinks you’re ignoring her to talk to a pretty woman. She’ll say she’s not jealous. Then she won’t say another word the rest of the night.

25. You need to know you can’t fix an angry woman. You can listen to her, feed her, agree with her, and
listen to her some more. Try and fix her, and it will be your fault.

26. You need to know she’s not fooled when you try to kiss her and keep your eyes on the TV at the same time.

27. You need to know she likes your making passes at her. In fact, if you don’t, she’ll wonder what’s wrong.

28. You need to know if you get in her bathtub, not to touch her bubble bath, skin softener, candles,
soap, body bath, loofah, moisturizer, bath pouf, bath salts, bath potions, sponge, or her exfoliating glove.
Really it would be best to just stay away.

29. You need to know her emery board is not to be used on your feet in bed.

30. You need to know she secretly believes that if you use her razor on your face, you will give her a staph infection. Somehow though, your razor is perfectly safe for her legs.

31. You need to know she won’t appreciate the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition like you do.

32. You need to know she’s not going to wear revealing lingerie around the house all the time. Only in your dreams.

33. You need to know you can’t buy her happiness. So have a plan B.

34. You need to know if she has a fight with her mom, don’t take sides. In fact, go outside.

35. You need to know that if she’s criticizing another woman, you’re safest play is to smile and agree.

36. You need to know that what women want from their husbands is confidence that everything is going to be all right.

37. You need to know she might not like all your friends. In fact, if she likes one or two of them, count yourself lucky.

38. You need to know that you looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger will be much more important to you than to her.

39. You need to know a woman’s intrinsic nature is to guard her nest. Anything that threatens that nest will turn her into an enraged, furious, AK-47 packing kamikaze pilot. It’s best to get out of the way.

40. You need to know diapers don’t smell any better to her.

41. You need to know if she’s not into sports, you’ll have to explain the rules. Many women find football as difficult to comprehend as men do La Bohéme.

42. You need to know she married you to be with you. Not to get calls from the duck blind.

43. You need to know that what the Bible says about the way you treat your wife impacts how God answers your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7. Look it up.

44. You need to know to watch her dumb romantic movies, especially if she watches your dumb violent ones.

45. You need to know that she wants you to be able to make a decision. Seriously.

46. You need to know to take her shopping and buy her outfits she would never buy for herself.

47. You need to know that just because she goes to your football, baseball, and basketball games doesn’t
necessarily mean she likes them. She may just like being with you.

48. You need to know googling“estrogen” will help explain what’s happening to your life.

49. You need to know she likes dessert.She doesn’t want to be asked if she wants it. She just wants you to order it.

50. You need to know she needs her own group of friends. They can save your marriage.

51. You need to know to higher even when she’s mad and telling you not to touch her.

52. You need to know to buy her a diamond. Even if you have to wait twenty years to afford the right one.

53. You need to know that, for some reason, women aren’t huge fans of movies than involve explosions, car chases, helicopters, gunfights, karate, or girls in swimsuits. Yes, that’s weird.

54. You need to know women like to make lists. And just when you think everything on that list is checked off, she’ll make another list.

55. You need to know she’s not going to want to name her child after a state, a motorcycle, or an English soccer team.

56. You need to know that just because she’s a she, she may not know how to sew.

57. You need to know you can’t wash your jeans and shorts with her underwear. Who knows why. . . .

58. You need to know it’s not always her hormones. You might actually be at fault.

59. You need to know that women, for some reason, care that the bed is made.

60. You need to know to talk to her about more things than how tough your day was and that she’s spending too much money.

61. You need to know that lighting a scented candle before she wakes up sets a nice tone for the day.

62. You need to know she will paint the house the color she likes. Your best move is to smile and nod.

63. You need to know how to clean the kitchen. Really, life will be smoother.

64. You need to know that she needs to know she’s the most important thing in your life. For some reason,
that’s easy for women to forget.

65. You need to know to make a pass at her when you’re at the movies. Of course you’ll get shot down, but
you knew the odds were slim anyway.

66. You need to know she’d like you to change T-shirts. In fact, it may be time to throw that fifteen-year-old shirt away.

67. You need to know your feet, your gym socks, and your tennis shoes smell. Don’t take it personally when she mentions it.

68. You need to know when she screams at you to slow down, she's not criticizing. She’s afraid of pain and death.

69. You need to know the answer to the question “Do I look fat?” is always “No.” Always. Always. (For
extra credit, you could add, “Actually, I think you could use a few more pounds.”)

70. You need to know if you’re upset because dinner isn’t ready when you get home, you haven’t spent
enough time doing your wife’s job.

71. You need to know she will be stunned to come home to a candlelight dinner served on the
fine china.

72. You need to know that a wife who feels taken for granted is a wife who may start looking for another man who makes her feel desirable and wanted.

73. You need to know the answer to her question “What are you thinking?” should always, always, always be “How beautiful you are.”

74. You need to know to send her flowers with a truly sappy card for no real reason.

75. You need to know any wife who asks,“Do you love me?” wants a one-word answer. Don’t elaborate. (“Yes, though I wish you’d cut your hair like the trainee in legal . . .” Don’t go there.)

76. You need to know from this point on no other girl is pretty. The very  best looking are “not bad.”

77. You need to use deodorant. And floss.

78. You need to know she will care deeply about things that mystify you. Like accent pillows. And bedspreads. Don’t ask.

79. You need to know she thinks your back and chest are too hairy. And she wants to shave them.

80. You need to know watching a sunset instead of TV can help you learn more about what’s going on with her.

81. You need to know to buy her an extravagant gift every now and then for no reason at all. It says
all the things you’ve neglected to. It might make up for taking her to Hooters on your anniversary.

82. You need to know she’ll want to talk a bout her feelings: her feelings about the future, her feelings about spaghetti, her feelings about her ex best friend in junior high. Though you’d rather pull out your teeth one at a time, sit down and listen.

83. You need to know that even though she loves you, you could use some improvement. Like your clothes. Who bought them for you? Your ex girlfriend?

84. You need to know that, unless requested, she doesn’t want your help in the kitchen. Just your company.

85. You need to know a perfectly sane woman can have seven different moods in one hour. You can’t control them. Heck, she can’t even control them.

86. You need to know you’reliving with a person who can tear up over a Toyota commercial.

87. You need to know there’s something genetic in a woman that makes her cook soup when you or your kids are sick.

88. You need to know that, even after twenty-five years, she’ll still sometimes worry if you really love her.

89. You need to know that in any twenty-four-hour period, she could be worried about finances, about her
parents enjoying retirement, about her children’s refusal to get married, about her dog’s happiness and about your apparent blindness to dirty clothes on the floor. One right after another.

90. You need to know you’re going to like her new haircut. Even though you haven’t seen it. You like it.

91. You need to know that if she’s crying because she doesn’t like her new haircut and color, it’s a good
idea to hand her another $100 to have it redone. Trust me on this.

92. You need to know when your adult kids come home to visit, she will mother them like they’re ten years old. If she didn’t, they wouldn’t come home.

93. You need to know to smile and nod when she says she always wants the kids to have a room to come back to.

94. You need to know you can’t change her moods, her fears, or her worries by yelling at her. Men have
tried this for eons to no avail.

95. You need to know she doesn’t find your burps or expulsions of gas hilarious.

96. You need to know she’s not a pyromaniac. She just likes candles. Lots of them. Lit all at the same time.

97. You need to know she’ll tell you that you never say “I love you” though you distinctly remember saying it
this morning. Doesn’t matter.

98. You need to know she won’t find pouting manly.

99. You need to know she wishes you’d make dinner every now and then. Even barbecued elk. Something. Anything.

100. You need to know she doesn’t really want to know about all your fears. Maybe she can handle your fear of plagues. Maybe your fear of the color red. But not too much more.

101. You need to know a candle can turn a dinner of Campbell’s soup into a romantic evening.

102. You need to know she may interrupt your watching 24 to read you a paragraph from a book written two hundred years ago. While crying. Tell her you love it.

103. You need to know if she’s acting depressed, she won’t just tell you what’s wrong. You’ll have to ask.
Maybe more than ten times.

104. You need to know that, generally speaking, women worry more than men do. So there will be a lot of strange arguments around the fact you’re not worried enough.

105. You need to know vacuuming the house can lead to even more fun than giving her a massage.

106. You need to know she’d really like you to shower.

107. You need to know to move all your exercise equipment to the garage even though it looks great in the bedroom. There’s no alternative here.

108. You need to know that, although she likes the look of an unshaved guy, she doesn’t want his face next
to her skin. Yes, it’s confusing.

109. You need to know to dress for dinner.You can’t just show up in boxer shorts and think your presence will carry the day.

110. You need to know she’ll think you’re leaving her every morning. Even when you’re just going to work.

111. You need to know to not get comfortable with her making more money than you do. According
to U.S. News & World Report, wives generally aren’t happy about this.

112. You need to know your wife could have three personalities in one day: full-time employee,
working mom, and full-time wife.

113. You need to know it’s her nature to beat a subject to death, pick it up, kill it again, then burn it, then gather all the ashes together, and beat it again. It’s a gift only women have. You still have to listen.

114. You need to know women come with hormones.