Why Even Try?
Without a doubt, your marriage is worth saving!
Though all marriages can’t be saved, divorce does not typically solve personal or relational dysfunctions. For couples with children, it is important to understand that research validates the fact that most children do not want their parents to divorce, in spite of their parents’ arguments and basic problems. In fact, one of the number one fears of children in the United States, ages 4 to 16, is the fear that their parents will divorce.1
Dr. Judith Wallerstein, a psychologist and one of the nation’s premier divorce researchers, conducted a 25-year research study following 131 children of divorce.
She states:
Twenty-five years after their parents’ divorce, children remembered loneliness, fear and terror! Adults like to believe that children are aware of their parents’ unhappiness, expect the divorce and are relieved when it happens. However, that is a myth; and what children actually conclude is if one parent can leave another, then they both could leave me.
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN CRISIS?
A marriage crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to manage. As a result, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration and hopelessness take control of the relationship. The couple typically continues the negative interactions—or disengages completely from one another, and the relationship shuts down. I call this the boiling point or marital meltdown in the marriage. It is usually at this place in the crisis process that a couple calls seeking help from a counselor, minister, friend or family member. Some counselors define a marriage crisis as a marriage where one or both partners desire to end the marriage.
Every day, you’re faced with a broad variety of challenges and trials. Individuals and families are
constantly exposed to news about natural and man-made disasters such as domestic violence, terrorist
attacks, abuse, rape, workplace accidents, crashes, military conflicts and weather-related disasters.
According to statistics, there are approximately 36 million reported crimes and crime victims each
year in America. The emotional, physical and spiritual responses that follow a crisis are often more than most people can manage alone.
Every day, you’re faced with a broad variety of challenges and trials. Individuals and families are
constantly exposed to news about natural and man-made disasters such as domestic violence, terrorist
attacks, abuse, rape, workplace accidents, crashes, military conflicts and weather-related disasters.
According to statistics, there are approximately 36 million reported crimes and crime victims each
year in America. The emotional, physical and spiritual responses that follow a crisis are often more than most people can manage alone.
INDICATIONS YOU NEED HELP FOR YOU MARRIAGE
Input From Family and Friends
If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem that needs addressing, pay attention.
People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members
and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors
or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”
Children’s Behavior
Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay and just the way it will be, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change. Young children often react to marriage problems through abnormal behavior. They begin
to act out at school, around friends or even at home. The same is true of teens, who will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in activities or with people that are out of character.
Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of an unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways. Teen behavior and attitudes often provide a means of medicating their pain.
If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem that needs addressing, pay attention.
People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members
and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors
or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”
Children’s Behavior
Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay and just the way it will be, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change. Young children often react to marriage problems through abnormal behavior. They begin
to act out at school, around friends or even at home. The same is true of teens, who will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in activities or with people that are out of character.
Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of an unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways. Teen behavior and attitudes often provide a means of medicating their pain.
WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MARRIAGE PROBLEMS?
Problems in marriages can range from minor to serious to crisis-level, with each demanding a different kind of help.
The following examples illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. It’s important to realize that help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.
Minor Problems: Joe and Mary aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. Finally, they recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. At home, they begin to find success implementing the tools they developed.
Serious Problems: George and Martha are either fighting or withdrawing, and George has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They seek out and find a Christian counselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break their destructive patterns.
The following examples illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. It’s important to realize that help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.
Minor Problems: Joe and Mary aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. Finally, they recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. At home, they begin to find success implementing the tools they developed.
Serious Problems: George and Martha are either fighting or withdrawing, and George has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They seek out and find a Christian counselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break their destructive patterns.
HOW TO ASSESS YOUR MARRIAGE?
Every marriage experiences problems. No matter how long you have been married— whether one year or 40 years —you will have problems. Marital problems can be extremely intense and painful, and those hurts can cut deeply and last a very long time.
The pain caused by someone you care about as much as your spouse may be very difficult to deal with. Most of us have preconceived ideas about how our spouses should treat us. We expect mistreatment from other people, but not from our spouses. Just remember that as human beings, we often think, feel and behave in ways that are hurtful, even toward those we love. Flawed people treat each other in flawed ways; so no matter how much we care, we’ll sometimes hurt each other.
Your marriage isn’t doomed because you hurt one another, have difficulty communicating or have disagreements over important issues. Couples have been experiencing and solving problems on their own—beginning with Adam and Eve, and continuing to this day. The more experience and maturity a couple develops in a marriage, the more success gained in managing and solving problems.
The pain caused by someone you care about as much as your spouse may be very difficult to deal with. Most of us have preconceived ideas about how our spouses should treat us. We expect mistreatment from other people, but not from our spouses. Just remember that as human beings, we often think, feel and behave in ways that are hurtful, even toward those we love. Flawed people treat each other in flawed ways; so no matter how much we care, we’ll sometimes hurt each other.
Your marriage isn’t doomed because you hurt one another, have difficulty communicating or have disagreements over important issues. Couples have been experiencing and solving problems on their own—beginning with Adam and Eve, and continuing to this day. The more experience and maturity a couple develops in a marriage, the more success gained in managing and solving problems.
MAKING YOUR HOME A PLACE FOR LEARNING
To focus on a project, your child must feel “safe” to dig into materials and really explore with his work. It is not necessary to make major changes in your household to make it a place where meaningful learning experiences can occur for your child, but there are questions for you to consider.
1. How can I provide an environment for learning?
Where is there enough space in my home for my child and me to work together? Will I be comfortable working on a 12-inch wooden chair alongside my child? Where will my child have a surface to write, draw, paint, and use materials like clay?
2. Where will I get materials for my child to use?
Will buying supplies for project work be expensive? What kinds of things do I need to collect? Will I need to go somewhere special to get the materials we will use?
3. How can I store materials for projects and other forms of meaningful learning?
Where will I keep paper, clay, and books about project topics? Where can ongoing work be stored so that it is safe from siblings, vacuum cleaners, or the dog? Where can materials be stored neatly and safely, but so that they are still accessible to my child?
1. How can I provide an environment for learning?
Where is there enough space in my home for my child and me to work together? Will I be comfortable working on a 12-inch wooden chair alongside my child? Where will my child have a surface to write, draw, paint, and use materials like clay?
2. Where will I get materials for my child to use?
Will buying supplies for project work be expensive? What kinds of things do I need to collect? Will I need to go somewhere special to get the materials we will use?
3. How can I store materials for projects and other forms of meaningful learning?
Where will I keep paper, clay, and books about project topics? Where can ongoing work be stored so that it is safe from siblings, vacuum cleaners, or the dog? Where can materials be stored neatly and safely, but so that they are still accessible to my child?
WHAT IS A FIXED MARRIAGE?
There are many reasons why a person has participated in this act. In many countries, a child’s parent will agree to arrange their child’s marriage with a certain family when they become of age because they have a mutual relationship with each other and they want to keep their bonds for a lifetime. On the other hand, some people who have the interest living abroad think of fixed marriage as the easiest way out to get their papers done and leave the country.
So the big question is: To Do or Not To Do? No offense but I really think that it is a deal arranging with what we call “Quid Pro Quo.” Simply as, I need something from you and you need something from me. When did marriage become an exchange of service or goods? Marriage is a very sacred sacrament and fixing it with the absence of mutual love for each other is a different story.
I had a cousin who was a U.S. citizen and agreed to get married to a guy who had no residential papers, because she simply just can’t afford a luxurious lifestyle. She needed the money to continue on paying for her bills and other miscellaneous expenses. Though it was no strings attached, it’s kind of awkward to admit that she was providing service in exchange of goods. She was given a down payment just to agree on pursuing the arrangement ($15,000.00 it was). Then every 2 weeks she gets a portion of the guys paycheck as an agreement of getting the fixed marriage until 5 years when the term has completed. But the overall cost for my cousin is that she had to be binded with him for 5 years prior to filing for divorce. Then she’ll be free from him again. Her fixed marriage has its own price. What will yours be? How far will you go to fulfill what you want or what you need? Is fixed marriage the only solution you have? There’s a saying, ” Where there’s a Will,there is a Way” and I don’t think that fixed marriage is the path to do it.
Tell us what you think? Will you take part on a fixed marriage or find your one true love by yourself to marry.
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