Why Even Try?
Without a doubt, your marriage is worth saving!
Though all marriages can’t be saved, divorce does not typically solve personal or relational dysfunctions. For couples with children, it is important to understand that research validates the fact that most children do not want their parents to divorce, in spite of their parents’ arguments and basic problems. In fact, one of the number one fears of children in the United States, ages 4 to 16, is the fear that their parents will divorce.1
Dr. Judith Wallerstein, a psychologist and one of the nation’s premier divorce researchers, conducted a 25-year research study following 131 children of divorce.
She states:
Twenty-five years after their parents’ divorce, children remembered loneliness, fear and terror! Adults like to believe that children are aware of their parents’ unhappiness, expect the divorce and are relieved when it happens. However, that is a myth; and what children actually conclude is if one parent can leave another, then they both could leave me.
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN CRISIS?
A marriage crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to manage. As a result, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration and hopelessness take control of the relationship. The couple typically continues the negative interactions—or disengages completely from one another, and the relationship shuts down. I call this the boiling point or marital meltdown in the marriage. It is usually at this place in the crisis process that a couple calls seeking help from a counselor, minister, friend or family member. Some counselors define a marriage crisis as a marriage where one or both partners desire to end the marriage.
Every day, you’re faced with a broad variety of challenges and trials. Individuals and families are
constantly exposed to news about natural and man-made disasters such as domestic violence, terrorist
attacks, abuse, rape, workplace accidents, crashes, military conflicts and weather-related disasters.
According to statistics, there are approximately 36 million reported crimes and crime victims each
year in America. The emotional, physical and spiritual responses that follow a crisis are often more than most people can manage alone.
Every day, you’re faced with a broad variety of challenges and trials. Individuals and families are
constantly exposed to news about natural and man-made disasters such as domestic violence, terrorist
attacks, abuse, rape, workplace accidents, crashes, military conflicts and weather-related disasters.
According to statistics, there are approximately 36 million reported crimes and crime victims each
year in America. The emotional, physical and spiritual responses that follow a crisis are often more than most people can manage alone.
INDICATIONS YOU NEED HELP FOR YOU MARRIAGE
Input From Family and Friends
If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem that needs addressing, pay attention.
People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members
and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors
or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”
Children’s Behavior
Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay and just the way it will be, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change. Young children often react to marriage problems through abnormal behavior. They begin
to act out at school, around friends or even at home. The same is true of teens, who will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in activities or with people that are out of character.
Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of an unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways. Teen behavior and attitudes often provide a means of medicating their pain.
If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem that needs addressing, pay attention.
People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members
and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors
or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”
Children’s Behavior
Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay and just the way it will be, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change. Young children often react to marriage problems through abnormal behavior. They begin
to act out at school, around friends or even at home. The same is true of teens, who will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in activities or with people that are out of character.
Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of an unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways. Teen behavior and attitudes often provide a means of medicating their pain.
WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MARRIAGE PROBLEMS?
Problems in marriages can range from minor to serious to crisis-level, with each demanding a different kind of help.
The following examples illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. It’s important to realize that help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.
Minor Problems: Joe and Mary aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. Finally, they recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. At home, they begin to find success implementing the tools they developed.
Serious Problems: George and Martha are either fighting or withdrawing, and George has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They seek out and find a Christian counselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break their destructive patterns.
The following examples illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. It’s important to realize that help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.
Minor Problems: Joe and Mary aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. Finally, they recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. At home, they begin to find success implementing the tools they developed.
Serious Problems: George and Martha are either fighting or withdrawing, and George has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They seek out and find a Christian counselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break their destructive patterns.
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